What is worse than meeting a fortune-teller who tells you sh*t that does not make sense? Well, meeting one who tells you sh*t that actually made sense. See, from young, I have always been a 人定勝天 kind of person. Perhaps like Tom Hansen, I have always been influenced by movies, especially during my young impressionable years, and I was particularly influenced by this scene from A Knight’s Tale (watch 01:57) – “a man can change his stars”.
However, with time, I come to realise that there is only so much one can do. Then I chanced upon this website a few years back that totally described my character to the tilt and it felt so true it was almost surreal. I have never visited a fortune-teller before in my life because like I said, I always believed the destiny of your life is in the palm of your hand. You decide what to make of it, not some sh*t written in some heavenly book in some tower up in the sky guarded by overweight angels. But I am glad Chipmunk made me pay 168 bucks to visit this old Chinese dude with doctor’s handwriting who employs this talkative Malaysian secretary.
“Aquarians are probably the most individualistic and strong kind of people. Now you can read that as pigheaded and rebellious, but that is your wish (that is not to say that being either of these is always a wrong thing). And as is the way of the world, the distinctive and strong in character are the ones followed by one and all- so this is what leaders are made of. Now things are not all rosy and jolly for Aquarians. If I had to describe an Aquarian in the least possible number of words, I will not classify him as a leader or pioneer, I would call him a walking bag of contradictions – because that is what he most definitely is. They do pioneering work, they go against the tide and try to change how the society thinks about something, yet they themselves find it very hard to change their mind on something once they have made up a notion.”
A walking bag of contradictions, going against the tide, how bloody appropriate. Master Chiang (the fortune-teller) said as much- “those who know me will understand me, those who do not will find me eccentric, essentially I am a nutcase to them”. And yes, I always have my way of doing things, and that is the one reason I am still blogging, despite the vast amount of stick I am getting from you, cocksuckers. The thing with me is this- honestly, I do not give a sh*t what others think of me, that is why I do not put on front or talk or behave in a socially accepted manner unless it is in front of my
1) Sisters
2) Mum
3) Grandma
4) K-Fad
5) Clients
6) Girlfriend’s family
7) Charity /company event
8) Malaysian custom
9) Singapore custom
10) Doctor at the abortion clinic with my exes.
I seriously do not give a f*ck if the whole world misunderstands me or if my intentions are misinterpreted, because the only person I answer to is the man in the mirror.
“The individuality of an Aquarian might lead you think that they do not make such good friends. But the reality is far from that. Many astrologers will attest to the fact that Aquarians are the best kind of material for making a best friend. They really understand you and have an excellent listening ability. And their best quality is their willingness to help you for simply nothing in return. They do not help people out of affection, or respect, or pity – it just comes naturally to them, helping someone just seems to be the right thing to do. You dispense knowledge, advice and even material possessions to those around you, who solicit your help and emotional support. You are the sign of brilliance and creativity, but these are not without the sufferings and sacrifices. A psychoanalyst will tell you that they satisfy their need for self-importance by helping others, and being of use to the society.”
Yes, I am a good listener, but then again that is not to say I do not put my mouth to good use- my cunnilingus skills is not all that shady either, from the few who had the honour to experience it first hand. Then again, being a good listener has its price- I have like 200GB of secrets in me that needs weekly defragmentation. And see what good has being Uncle Agony to confused little girls got me? CR and S and Red Panties and Amanda and Claire (seriously, I could go on but we will be here all day) all began innocently enough with the same listening-to-your-problems-with-your-boy sh*t, and you all know how it ended. By the way, Chipmunk, the last sentence in the paragraph above is for you.
“With the glamour and shine you have got, it will not be very difficult for Aquarians to turn strangers into acquaintances and acquaintances into something more. A lot of love and lovemaking will come your way if you are an Aquarian and you will get the opportunity to enjoy it to the fullest. And my advice to you in this matter would be to grab those opportunities and make use of them to the fullest without any second thoughts, because once you start having those second thoughts and actually sitting down and thinking them through, hard times are bound to come by. Each courtship or relationship ultimately comes to that one question, but in case of you, this relationship is a little too critical.”
Guess what? Master Chiang stressed that 桃花 is strong in me for my entire life (all seventy-three years of sex, love and more sex, according to him). Told you, it is not my fault, it is not like I go round telling sluts “I miss you more than I can bear” and sh*t. So far, I have to admit I have enjoyed my fair share of lovemaking love. Girls come in and out of my life, it is like sun rising and setting, man, there is nothing you and I can do. Therefore, ladies, we got to embrace it like everyday is our last, because you know, baby, yesterday is gone, tomorrow may never come, but tonight, tonight it’s forever.
In hindsight, you cannot actually blame me for the sh*t that has been happening in my love life the past twenty-six years, right? It is not like I can help it, can I? If it is any consolation, at least Master Chiang said it was not going to affect my career that much, and I should carry on f*cking hard working hard. And you should sense by now Master Chiang is someone whose words actually held some weight to me. Fortunately, he said I would only have one marriage with one wife (and countless mistress), so at least I can now sleep soundly at night knowing that I do not have so share my fortune with some undeserving b*tch who choose to divorce me because I can no longer stand her saggy boner-shrinking tits.
After some serious thinking on the way home just now, it then comes to the point where I ask myself- do I actually believe the sh*t some random American horoscope website and this old Chinese man is telling me? At what point does it become a self-fulling prophecy? Well, I would love to go on and explain myself but it is already a half past four and I need to be up in four and a half hours’ time to be in office. That is all for now, I shall leave my thoughts and emo-ness for tomorrow. Meantime, you guys might want to check out this amazing website for your horoscope (caveat- S and I are both Aquarians but we cannot be any more different, so read it at your own risk).
An Aquarian is really protective of his freedom and way of life. Always keep that in mind.
